Mianyi (Dora) Wang

"With insecurity chasing, I’d sooner run out of breaths than flaws to confess."

I heard you at the first line,

You were concerned for my wellbeing

Even when I said I was fine.

And you suggested I run to kill time,

So I stood there agreeing

As if my weight gain was a crime.

I heard you at the second line,

You thought it was harmless teasing

Even when my forced smile was a clear sign.

This time you suggested in a way so benign

To maybe, just perhaps, be more mindful when eating,

And without thanks, you said anytime.

I heard you at the third line,

You asked why I didn’t follow your teaching

Even when my body was still mine.

But in some way it was yours because at the thousandth or millionth line,

I started internalizing,

Your words are staining like wine.

They appeared in the form of red lines on my thighs,

But if erasers can’t rub out ink,

Dizzy spells and skipped breakfasts can’t remove stretch marks.

While you see me in a sports bra

Water bottle in hand

Sun shining off my back

As beads of sweat drip after a run,

I see myself in front of a mirror

Tape measure in hand

Weight off my back

As I exhaustedly sit back on a couch.

You don’t understand that

With insecurity chasing,

I’d sooner run out of breaths

Than flaws to confess.

But I don’t blame you,

Because you heard them the first time too,

Asking you to cover up your beautiful curves,

Even though your beautiful curves are all that society praises,

The hidden beauty

The forbidden fruit of Adam and Eve.

You heard them the second time too,

Asking you to dress more feminine,

Even though your love for pink was laughed at,

The blinding hypocrisy

The scale of expectations never quite balancing.

But I do blame me,

Because I painted a picture-perfect portrayal of my life,

When my skin was tainted by every opinion but mine.

I wonder if

I will ever stop hearing you

Although if I did

I will stop listening.